What is...

Tantra Massage?

After reading last month's missive "What the Heck is Kundalini?" a brave and charming person asked me "...but, what is tantra massage? What is it that makes it different to a regular body massage, and different to a sensual massage (with or without a "happy ending)?"

Naturally, this is perhaps one of the most commonly asked questions when the phrase first catches a person's attention. It would seem to be quite an innocent and easy to answer question too right?

Hmm... not really.

So much is offered under what is actually a huge umbrella term. Students of classical tantra would perhaps scoff at it, as such a "service" could be said to not even exist from their perspective.  It could feasibly be argued that by using the term, we are doing what humans have such a propensity for;  misappropriating a name from an ancient high-brow and little understood sacred teaching, and turning it into a marketing ploy for profits. I speak of this openly, even though I myself use the term and it helps to create my main source of income, as there is truth behind the accusation. 

With such a truth in mind, I am commanded (by my inner power) to do my best to stay in integrity by doing what I can to weave into my work, the essence of tantric teachings. I do this whilst knowing that they are being reshaped in order to meet the needs and level of understanding of those of us who are not born into the culture or circumstance of the origins, ancient scriptures and truly tantric ways of being. 

BUT! I suspect none of the above comes close to satisfy those who ask the question "what is tantra massage?"

"No, I mean, What Do You DO?"

AKA "What Do I GET? (When I book a Tantra Massage?)"

Well, you get the experience you are able and willing to receive. 

I have seen some tantrikas answer the question by listing the step-by-step procedure they offer and being adamant that their formula IS a tantra massage.

In brief it goes something like:

"We meditate, eye-gaze, undress, I massage you all over, there is prostate/lingham massage for men, yoni massage for women, there may be (or some say WILL be) a climax (male and/or female ejaculation), we hold one another and bring the session to an end."

And to be fair, this does describe some of the elements of the "doing" portion - but this in itself is not very different to (taking it back to the question posed at the top) a sensual massage with a happy ending. So what DOES make it different?

You are the Temple

In truth, the real difference is made as much by you as by me (or the one offering the experience). There are many others who offer services and name them "tantra massage" whose answers will be wildly different to mine. I can therefore only speak into what makes the sessions that I offer different (although some other sacred-sexuality practitioners may well agree with what I share).

Your session will emerge out of your unique set of desires, needs, boundaries and the over-arching motivation you had in seeking out tantra in the first place. 

One person could look upon an erotic image and call it art, whilst another sees the same image and names it pornography. The only difference is the eye/mind of the one looking.

Similarly, the difference between seeing/touching another person's  body and using that experience to jack-up the sex-response for self-gratification (objectification); and seeing/touching another person's body and agreeing to co-create an experience that serves both (connection), is simply the difference in attitude and intention. 

And so it is with tantra massage.

The part I play in holding space for your experience is that I will do my best to invite you into the following tantric ways (which from MY perspective, ensures my gaze/attitude is trained to tantra regardless of where your gaze/attitude is fixed)...

Drop Expectations & Enter the Unknown: The moment either you or I believe we can name exactly what is going to happen is the moment "tantra" leaves the room and you are just receiving a pleasurable massage. If I yield to your pre-conceived expectations without ensuring I am honouring my own boundaries, I become a prostitute and force the role of "punter" onto you; we are no longer in the realm of tantra.

If I follow a script/formula for every client I meet I am not authentically responding to you, nor to what I am feeling and witnessing inwardly and outwardly in the moment. How can I meet your unique desires, needs and boundaries if I apply the same formula regardless?

Presence yourself in the Here and Now: The techniques and practices offered, such as guided visualisations, breathwork, eye-gazing, energy bonding and touch, are really all about this. They all support you in staying acutely aware of yourself and resisting the temptations of the mind to leave the moment in favour of to-do lists, overthinking about past/future, or erotic fantasy. It is one of the most pleasurable forms of mindfulness available; yet as with all such presence based practices, they will also call up anything that needs addressing in order for you to integrate past trauma, regulate and strengthen your nervous system, and gain deeper understanding around how you might create a more fulfilling life.  

Let go of Goals, Forcing or Effort: Tantra is such a beautiful panacea in that it has the power to undo the stresses and strains of our westernised mindset by teaching us to let go into the flow. We are mis-educated and conditioned towards hard work, high productivity, and pushing to get the job done. Even sexually we have trained ourselves to perform, apply effort and produce an outcome.

Every level of well-being and health is impacted by this chronic and unnatural stress-driven approach to life. Emotional, mental, sexual, physical and spiritual - most of us are depleted or overwhelmed and showing signs of this one way or another. By letting go, we enter a flow-state and open ourselves to the power of surrender.

Surrender: When you rest in the arms of tantra and surrender your burdens, you are truly restored. In such sweet surrender you may meet higher highs, feel ripples of orgasmic bliss move your whole body, touch God, kiss the heavens, dance with delicious daemons, unravel into your greater truth. IF you are indeed able to surrender - this takes practice for most of us. But what beautiful practice it is!

Receive your Authenticity: If you REALLY allow yourself to go there, all of the above will reveal to you the inner essence of who you are. For some, this will be far removed from the personality crafted by other people's expectations and the roles we have been playing. You may meet some of your wounded places which is great, it gives you the possibility of holding them as they heal. You may meet some of your strengths and super-powers, and realise you are more capable than you ever knew. 

And as you meet yourself, you will also witness Your Own Unique Medicine arise.  This is the medicine that you can take yourself, and also the medicine that you carry and use to support others. It might be in the form of being the cheerful charismatic networker who spots connections and makes beneficial introductions, or the one who can sing out their bliss with a resonance that heals or transforms, or the one who finds laughter and comedy to be the bliss of their soul and the perfect reset for others. The potential is endless.

I could go on and on and on some more about what makes tantra massage tantric, I am aware that even in all I have mentioned, I am only just brushing the edges of what is possible. I'm also aware, that there is enough here to stimulate a little more contemplation. And as you contemplate I offer a question of my own to you...

How will YOU make your experience of tantra massage, tantric? What will it take? Do you need to remove the filter of pornography and switch to that of the Renaissance Masters? Or simply allow a tiny "click" in cognisance for a whole new world to open before you? 

Whatever it takes, I wish it for you. I wish it for you because I know the realm of healing, transformation and expansion into a more enlivened life awaits you, and that a well received tantra massage is one of the most magical gifts you can offer yourself.