The Emerald Isle...

And Walking The Tantric Path

Originally posted on I-Am-Medicine ~ 20th November 2019

A little bit of back story… It was suggested to me a little while ago that I venture across the ocean to our neighbours to share my work further afield and to “test the market”. The two people who made the invite believed it could be an effective way to finally break the back of debt I have carried over from my years of being a single-mum to a child who needed extra support, and years of investing in the development of my skills. I was warned I might have to work slightly differently but that it could be lucrative, plus these people valued my experience and heart and wanted the energy of my offerings to bring healing over there. 

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At first I resisted, in fact, I resisted for over a year; and then I felt a sudden “Yes”. I won’t lie, the imagining of extra income added some juiciness to the “Yes” and yet, I knew that money wasn’t really the core of the call. By the time I was putting a plan of action together to get myself over there I knew for sure, I couldn’t put money at the centre of this, something else was bubbling away.

I have come to understand how my Soul pulls me towards experiences, and my way of recognising it’s voice. More often than not if I am being called in a certain direction from this place of Soul, my personality doesn’t want to go. I had this same response to attending Level 2 Kundalini Yoga teacher training; to immersing myself in all 4 of the ISTA experiences (International School of Temple Arts); to anything headed up by Bruce Lyon, especially the 6 week immersion at Highden in New Zealand. In all of these experiences I “know” I need to be there, I don’t know why exactly, and I don’t want the hassle or expense of making it happen BUT the knowing is clear.

So I usually test the knowing by throwing the gauntlet down and make a declaration to the universe and whomever is willing to hear me. “I will go if getting there is made easy, if the support to do so comes to me without hassle, then I will go”. And so it was for Ireland - I made the declaration, I made a request for financial investors to make it possible, and I sat back (funnily enough on this occasion I fully expected for there to be no support and therefore to be let off the hook!). But no, the support rushed in which was so delightful and affirming, I was tearful with gratitude. And maybe a few tears of “I don’t wanna go!” too. ​

DISCERNMENT & TRUTH

I set off on the 29th of October, the day after the New Moon I now realise; and intended to return to the UK on the 19th of November. A friend had put some adverts out for me and I had plenty of interest. Unfortunately most of that interest was from men who were really seeking escort services so I turned down perhaps 90% of enquiries. From the moment of getting there I could sense a discomfort in response to the thought of seeing clients. But believing I was there to work I agreed to see three people over the first weekend. The first was a clear message, letting me know I really needed to up my game of discernment as my boundaries were pushed time and time again in session. It almost turned me off doing any further work but after a re-empowering chat with a colleague and a day of meditation and kundalini yoga, I came back to centre and was ready to go again. The second two clients were lovely to work with, they were both more accustomed to receiving escort work but were respectful of boundaries AND made themselves available to receive something new. There were tears shared as hearts were touched and they each allowed themselves to be penetrated by love. The sessions felt fulfilling and impactful in all of the right ways and yet afterwards I still felt a strong discomfort.

I moved locations and landed at the venue where I had imagined I would offer the bulk of my work. It had a beautiful small and cosy yoga studio perfect for Tantra, Yoga and Sacred Sexuality work; a lovely corner bath perfect for bathing rituals and pamper time. Yet still, an ever growing tension was settling in my body, my mind was spacey and scattered, my emotions were all over the place. I had by now received some bookings from people experienced in true Tantra who seemed to really understand the level I was working at - but even this didn’t calm me. So, I had to contemplate other reasons for me being in Ireland and what I really wanted/needed from the experience as opposed to what I had imagined I wanted/needed. Living the Tantric path really asks this of anyone on this journey “What is your Truth in THIS moment”. ​​

TAKE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE!

I took myself into the yoga space and sang medicine song, beat my drum to raise the power, released tears and danced out frustration. Then in silence I found clarity. I wasn’t here to see clients and take my work to Ireland, I was there to do some clearing and healing of personal and cultural trauma. The work would be competed by the full moon on the 12th and the very act of boarding the ferry on that day would be the final piece of the work. To make this choice meant not only letting go of the bookings that had been made and therefore losing any profit, but also making a financial loss. It meant letting a friend down as I wouldn’t be around to take care of her dog whilst she worked. It meant paying more for a different ferry crossing and also going back to the UK early which felt a little bit like cutting a holiday short.

BUT it also meant that the tension in my mind, body and emotion was instantly brought to peace. It meant I found joyfulness in being exactly where I was; it meant I found deep fulfilment and a sense of the sacred in gently, slowly and attentively responding to every impulse in each moment that would ultimately deepen my understanding of the trauma/wounds that had been part of my family’s history; and to let go of it on behalf of me, my family and all displaced peoples.

I spent time by the lake, walking in woodland, in contemplation and stillness. I loved and nurtured the little canine being Nico who was also in my care whilst I was there. I took to my sheepskin for Kundalini Yoga, communed with Tarot, cried out explosive nuggets of grief, allowed Eros to cleanse and empower me, and performed fire rituals. And then on the 12th, on the brightest and most beautiful day of my visit, I drove through the countryside of my Great Grandparent’s homeland smiling from ear to ear. I boarded the ferry in Dublin feeling just wonderful as I allowed the significance of the moment sink/sync in. Unlike my family who had been forced from their land through desperation and in fear, I made the choice to leave out of desire and knowing.

COMING HOME

It was dark by the time we reached the harbour in Holyhead, and as I drove across Wales and back into England the most beautiful Full Moon lit up the night sky. I took many a deep inhale and sighed out in pure joy. I am home. I am here. ​I have landed.

Wherever my feet walk, under whichever sky, the fire of my Sinsear's (ancestor's) homeland burns bright in my heart. Their courage is with me, with my child and all the future children of this lineage. Their love pours through me and their songs are forever sung.
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I would risk a guess that this is true for all of us, the powers and gifts of our ancestors support our lives now, and those of our descendants. I do hope it is true for you. Happy homecoming to you in each and every moment, in each and every place you find yourself.

COURAGE OF THE CLANN

(THE MEDICINE SONG THAT BROKE THE DAM AND SET FREE THE GRIEF)

And ye can ne-er come a-home
Once ye've left these lands ye've left these lands
Ye can ne'er come a-home
Once ye've left these lands, ye've left these lands

But go, ye must
For the longevity of the Clann
Go ye must
For the longevity of the Clann

And there'll be a home-fire burning
Even though ye can ne'er be returning
There'll be a home-fire burning
Even though you'll ne'er be returning

But go ye must
For ye must'ny die in my arms
Go ye must
For ye must'ny die in my arms

And yer heart t'will be a-breaking
For the land ye be forsaking
So there'll be a heart-fire burning
To ease the pain of ye're yearning

And where'er ye find yer feet a-landing
Know the neart of yer Sinsear be with ye
Where'er ye find yer feet a-landing
Take the heart-fire of yer Sinsear there with ye.

Neart agus Misneach duit ~ Strength and Courage to you.