Courageous & Candid Conversation...
When The Anchor Disappears3/27/2023 Dismantling Old Patterns
I fit lots in around that anchor because I know things need to happen before and after it. Nothing unusual here I'm sure - it is how we time-manage and support productivity etc. But when that anchor is taken away by short notice cancellation, postponement or communication breakdown, it has a paralysing effect on me. I suddenly have zero energy to attend to all of the things I would have easily moved onto after the anchor. I feel something akin to sulky. It isn't quite that, and rarely am I annoyed at the others for not being able to make it (apart from client no-shows, those who don't tell me they won't be coming - that admittedly can get me miffed). Even without any projected anger or blame, I drop into dismay and instantly want to give up on all other plans. I was recently gifted such an experience, and as an experiment, I chose to allow myself to FEEL deeply. In the feeling/sensing I was able to hear my body's guidance on what was needed. In committing myself to follow that guidance I was able to take myself through a process which halted the pattern, and altered my attitude, energy and actions for the rest of the day. In a surprisingly short space of time, I changed a previously very well established pattern AND gathered evidence that I could do this time and time again as and when needed. I can now, with conviction, declare, I no longer have this particular pattern - because I can choose to break it whenever it threatens to thwart my day. Read on for the in-the-moment report/process: A Sensing ProcessNoticing - First CyclePhysically - shoulders slump, tummy pulls towards spine as if to protect it's own softness. I feel my facial muscles sag as opposed to being lifted and bright in anticipation of the meeting. Emotionally - I feel disappointed, and under that, a sting of rejection. There is a part of me that believes "I" am not important enough to be the priority and this is all the evidence I need to uphold that belief. Under that is the feeling of not "mattering" enough to be cared for by others, which leads into "I had therefore best maintain independence" (followed by deep sadness). Mentally - A cascade of conflicting thoughts, lists of what I need to do and what I could choose to do with the freed up time; but such strong apathy that it would take a will of steel to make anything happen. There is a voice that wants to go easy on me and tell me its okay, forget today, everything can wait until tomorrow now. A voice that wants to kick my own butt into action, this inner coach is yelling in my face and shaking my shoulders. The critic who feeds the shame machine is stomping through my head - "you are so crap at this, what is WRONG with you!?" The task-master who activates fear, pressure and anxiety. She wondering why I am wasting time on Facebook, so much more productive stuff to attend to. Noticing - Second CyclePhysically - tummy now a tight knot and all muscles clenching, tightening, jaw clenched. Coiled up energy stuck in freeze. Emotions and mental states oscillating - increasing the intensity of anxiety. Ah! And now breath (noticing I have hardly breathed at all and now I'm needing to allow a deeper breath into a tightened body - tricky) Often this moves into collapse. Abandon all hope of doing anything worthwhile today, watch Netflix or similar, do bare minimum to feed self and allow the exhaustion to take over. I don't want that to be the result today. Today I choose something else. Remedy Phase One: |