Courageous & Candid Conversation...
...OF THE DARK
I am a painfully shy person. A nightmare situation for me would be to find myself centre-stage with the spot light on me, and an audience of expectant faces looking in my direction waiting to hear what I have to say. Arrrrrgghhhh!! Stage fright, brain freeze, and forget performance anxiety, we are talking performance terror here. In the past I fought this part of me, tried to find ways to heal it. I read Susan Jeffers ‘Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway’, I had hypnotherapy to increase my confidence, went to healers and counsellors to eradicate it, had pep-talks from motivational speakers, everything to remove the irritating hindrance that seemed to stop me from being the biggest brightest version of me.
In 2012 I had a breakthrough. A simple statement made by one lady removed the whole dilemma in seconds. And all she said was “It is your nature to be shy, it is who you are.”
In that moment I realised my shyness is not a wound that needs healing, or a conditioned response to my environment that needs re-educating, and nor is it a liability, block or obstacle. Since then I have greatly enjoyed becoming friends with this part of me and receiving the gifts that she brings.
Dark melancholy was with me recently. She serves me so well even though it is one of the most challenging energies to be with. It takes me to the deepest pit of despair and in those moments, the glorious rays of brilliance that illuminate the beauty and wonder of life disappear. In the resulting void I feel every nuance of human suffering and I would gladly remove myself from life had I not the remembrance of previous dives. I claim she serves me well, and she does. She steals me away from the busy-making parts of me and the usual demands of life. I am literally in no fit state to tend to anything so I am still and silent, resting. She allows me to taste the despair that others feel on a daily basis and reminds me of my soul’s desire, to alleviate suffering wherever I am able to. And out of the darkness emerges the glimmering images and words that reveal where to next place my focus. It is a deeply creative process.
Just like the shy-girl, dark melancholy is a pretty uncomfortable part of me that once upon a time I would do my utmost to get rid of. Even now she has to catch me unawares otherwise I will find ways to avoid her. Once in her grasp I know the best way out is through. Once I am fully surrendered and immersed in the intensity, something is revealed. Emotions are released, emotions which I then support with music or movies that amplify and ensures full expression. At this point I know I can begin to move out of stillness, dance, shake, stretch. Gradually I begin to re-engage in life, and typically, life is very kind and will organise for the perfect pals to call me, invite me for coffee, or just simply chat on the phone so I can share and laugh heartily about where I have just been.
I lean into meditation and mantra to further fortify my energy, arouse my Eros and turn me on fully to life. I am reminded, yet again, why I have made Eros such a central part of my life, because without it, without it’s ability to thrill my senses, open my heart and awaken my body, there IS no life.
I am well enough resourced to dare to dive so deeply, knowing when and how to re-surface and I would heartily recommend at least a little dalliance in the direction of the dark for those equally well resourced. Let's face it, for most of us, life offers ample opportunity for a sprinkling of self-pity and melodrama, so if we are being invited there, why resist? If you don't feel quite so well resourced then be sure to seek out the support of those who can hold space for you and teach you how to come up for air. This is especially important if you are already struggling with mental/emotional health issues - your focus needs to be on the life-sustaining joy-embracing and tender-caring upward swell of the ocean.
Riding the waves in this way can lead to tremendous rebirths. Just as the gestation time in the dark of the womb is absolutely necessary yet a relatively tiny part of a thriving person's whole life, so too can these visits to the depths be short yet impactful. I offer you a simple meditation below to support the movement out of the dark and back into the erotic, sensual, and vital energy flow of life. May you surrender your light to the dark, briefly, and in doing so be reminded of just how bright you shine when you are well rested, cleared of stagnation, and reacquainted with your life force.
Re-Set and ReBirth Meditation
Join me for a cheeky bite into contemplations on the nuances and riches of life as a messy yet magnificent human (and more than).