Courageous & Candid Conversation...
The Yogi & The Shaman
There is calm within, calm in front of me, calm to and beyond the vast and far horizon. I stand tall, upright yet relaxed, a picture of serenity. My gown is white and elegant, billowing softly in response to a warm and welcome breeze. A loved companion is by my side, he too is dressed in white and together we look out at the scene. We can see the world spread out before us from this vantage point, high on the side of a mountain. Our home is artistically carved and crafted within the mountain itself, our “windows” are open verandas supported by grand pillars. We hold a position of responsibility but are not burdened by this, we are deeply honoured and have found ways to tend to our commitments with lightness and ease.
As we gaze out I begin to see a subtle movement in the furthest reaches of vision, a slight shimmering which could perhaps be akin to a heat wave, but not quite that. Something within me shifts too, the calm is threatened though not yet disturbed, so subtle is the movement. I continue to look out and am taken by surprise by the sudden up-close movement of an arm scrabbling for purchase over the edge of the veranda. I move towards the new arrival, unsure whether this is an intruder with evil intent, or a person in need. As the man hauls himself up, his face and body covered in the dirt of red earth, his clothes combative and camouflaged in style, torn and battle-weary in actuality; I realise he is known to me, and I to him - in all ways.
Once a lover, then loved from afar, he is now stood before me, cupping my face in his roughened hands, agitated, angry and speaking low and earnestly. He moves his hands to my arms to shake me, frustrated by my calm and unseeing eyes. He turns me to look outwards once more and wills me to “SEE” - “Look! It is upon us right now, take off the glaze of your privilege and please my love… see it!”
My loved companion of the moment is the witness, unflinchingly seeing it all yet resisting the pull towards or away from battle. And here I am, my once white gown now marked with red earth, as is my face. I stand beside my loved one and we continue to gaze upon the scene. Serenity is still with us even as, paradoxically, tears of sorrow and rage make track marks on my cheeks.
I wake, in more ways than the obvious.
Emergence, Marriage & Merger
I received this dream about 9 weeks before the first Covid related news announcement hit the UK; usually when I receive something that feels like an omen I have months, if not years, to adjust and prepare should I be guided that preparation is needed. This time the dream showed me just how rapidly the destructive forces were approaching so I recognised those first announcements as the distant shimmer, that initial, seemingly subtle shift in the landscape - and I knew that it would develop into something far more threatening at astonishing speed… I also knew, the remedy was being presented at the exact same moment as the warning was sounded.
Back then as I awoke from the dream there were words, thought forms, that would have been received in full clarity had I not been at the midpoint between dreamtime and daybreak. The echoes of the message hinted at the wisdom and powers of the yogi being more needed in what was to come than that of the shaman. But as time has passed I feel it was more a message of merger… the ability of the yogi to hold an elevated and compassionate perspective, is needed to merge with the warrior cries, medicine songs, and direct action of the shaman.
These forces, the Divine & Dark, the Feminine & Masculine, are within each and everyone of us, the more aware of them we become the more they emerge. The more acquainted with them we become, the more we allow the depth of love and passion to be felt coursing through the flesh and bone of our being. A sacred inner marriage is made possible. By the grace and power of this marriage we become One, the individual aspects of our inner communities aligning and uniting. We as One become a representative of the ALL… And ALL is ever open to change.
Do you feel it? Do you feel your inner-life stirring, calling you to the temple, within you a consummation, the cry of ecstasy resounding to awaken you to the ALL that you are. You are needed and wanted here, all of you. May it be so.
STRANGE LITTLE GIRL
A funny little girl
split from the start
Shy to her core
yet vast fierce heart
We all have within us many stories, stories that are true, stories that were ONCE true but now we only cling to out of sentiment or because we haven't yet realised they are ripe for updating. I LOVE my stories, and I see how some of them stop being helpful unless, with presence and choice, I re-scribe them from the perspective of Medicine. So what follows is part of a story which has been claimed and crafted in order to support the remembrance of Wholeness and the power to Love. It is offered to you to inspire your own crafting of Medicine and it begins "Once upon a time there was a strange little girl..."
Flash forward to my late thirties (zooming through mucho experience and “opportunities for growth”) and it was “discovered” that I could proudly claim the labels dyspraxia, ADD and though I didn’t take the test, it was suggested by a friend who did assessments that a test would place me on the autistic spectrum. I also realised for the first time that I had been living with the symptoms of anxiety since those early years. I couldn’t remember a time when I didn’t wake with a flush of adrenalin pumping my heart out of my chest and the sense of dread running like a cold river through my veins. I just presumed this was natures alarm clock and that we all experienced it… until the first morning that I didn’t. My muscles and joints have given me pain from those childhood days too, and again I imagined this was the way it was for everybody.
I pushed the labels and explanations away to begin with, I wanted to simply “be” who I am without considering any of it a problem. Then I started reading tentatively around the subject of Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, ADD, Aspergers and Autism, largely to help my daughter find answers around her own challenges. I discovered links between these “developmental disorders” and chronic pain, anxiety and their loyal companion, exhaustion. I also discovered that this new found information, far from making me feel dis-empowered, actually gave me an enormous sense of relief. I gained a level of understanding that allowed me to turn a compassionate heart towards myself. The inner dialogue that had ran for so many years of being a failure at life, of being lazy, an underachiever, and a social misfit, stopped almost overnight.
I shared the news of my new labels and the little quirks that come with them with loved ones as if it was the most exciting new discovery EVER! And many of them simply stated, “yes, we knew this about you”.
My long time friends said things like "I’ve always known you as the most illogical and quaintly weird person I’ve yet to meet, but I’ve never considered you a failure, you inspire me”; and “you're a quiet eccentric, always thinking outside of the box and bringing gold from the dark places that others are afraid to venture into”.
And so I took to considering how my story and my ways of being, are actually gifts.
A FEW OF THE WAYS BY WHICH I LOVE MYSELF
Exclusion - Being excluded by my peers at an early age was incredibly painful and confusing, I just couldn’t seem to find a way to develop friendships. In my adult years this has created within me a passion for inclusivity and a compassion for anyone who feels marginalised. This doesn’t mean I am now suddenly a social butterfly or find it easy to integrate into a group, I still have awkward moments a plenty. I will however step out of my comfort zone to aid others when appropriate.
Another happy side-effect is that I am very content in my own company. I don’t think twice about taking myself on dates to the pictures, for a meal, to a gig, a workshop, retreat etc. If I have a desire to do something I don’t wait until someone is able to do it with me, though I DO enjoy sharing these experiences with others too. I have a small number friends but those friendships run deep, all of them.
Day-Dreaming - it is NOT a negative, I have gone so far as to make it a practice. Free flowing day-dreaming powers up my imagination for use in creative endeavours; structured day-dreaming (i.e. choosing a specific theme) becomes a contemplative practice which is a spiritual art form. Regular stimulation and indulgence in this way forms the basis of the Medicine I carry as a Shamanic practitioner, it helps me to find the words, visions and imagery to support others gaining a deeper understanding - it underpins such methods as Soul Retrieval and Journeying and allows me to access other dimensions by entering a light trance with ease.
Lack of Logic - I can’t see the sequential flow of events or the easiest ways to “do” things (as my oft exasperated father would point out - “you never do things the easy way do you”). Well no I don’t… however, I find many many different ways of doing the same thing, each time learning something new. This means I develop a broader perspective and can hold space for multiple points of view. In my illogical twisty-turny journey, never moving in an A to B to C direction but more from B to A to C to Q kind of way, I experience things from all angles so that when I do finally get the gist of something, I truly “know” it.
ADD style Hyper-focus - I get a lot done in a short space of time then go back to non-doing or rest. Now that I know how my productivity functions, wham-bam-whizz-woo-done, I can surrender when the motivation and drive bottoms out and not a thing is happening. I trust so deeply in this flow even though it runs counter to any 9am-5pm five days a week social norm (or for some these days, 12hr work days throughout most of the week), that I can now see the insanity of such social norms and the amount of stress it causes people. My work is predominantly about helping people find their own unique rhythm by calling them home to the centre of their Self so they can overcome the stresses, strains and trauma that living an unnatural and burdened life creates.
Join me for a cheeky bite into contemplations on the nuances and riches of life as a messy yet magnificent human (and more than).
My writings are responses to experiences that life brings to me, questions asked in session time, and the movement of energy in its many forms. If you have a question, or a topic you would like to present to me to see how I might respond, please don't hesitate to contact me.
Ask me anything - literally!
If a response arises I shall share it here. Let me know if you want to be named or remain anonymous within the writings.
NB More word-form offerings and supportive practices can be found on my I Am Medicine website's blog page: Life As Medicine
The pieces found there were written in 2019 through to January 2021 so the themes may no longer be current in some regards, yet in other ways they are timeless as are the practices they detail. So enjoy your visit there, but do come back here for fresher pieces (in every sense!)