The Return...

To Places I've Never Been

Recently I have found myself sensing a peculiar paradoxical state; one in which I feel like I am returning to familiar places, even though I have never before visited these places. I’m not speaking of geographical locations, but rather, states of mind, emotion and bodily sensation. I am exhilarated as the return is filling me with renewed wonder and belief. 

The belief is in the power we each have to effect our own healing and reset the compass of our lives. The wonder is in the realisation that there is a sublime simplicity encoded in the journey that returns us to our true state – that of Wholeness.

I share the story below as a way to better explain the opening paragraph. It is taken from my own life’s experience and hones in on the wisdom gleaned from exploring health challenges and reviewing the labels I had been living with for many years. But first a word of caution, some of what I say could be seen as contentious and may trigger uncomfortable feelings. Please know that there is no need for you to adopt any of what I say as your truth. My hope is that there is something of value here for you, even if it simply allows you to contrast it with your own experiences, or be witness to another’s experience.

Naming the Unnamable

On my journey of healing I have been offered several labels… They began as judgements such as lazy, stupid, contrary, oppressive, clumsy, distracted. The symptoms I have lived with since puberty include exhaustion, body pain, gut disturbances, thought to speech interference and exercise intolerance.
 
​These have only recently been acknowledged by medical doctors as “real” symptoms of a yet to be diagnosed autoimmune disorder. I have been called soulful and spiritual, which I like, and yet aligning solely with these labels can create bypass of self-accountability and disassociation from the body. Then came the more explanatory labels – dyspraxia, ADD and other neuro-divergent nuances, which have been useful to dissolve self-blame and create more understanding. 

I am a Manifesting-Generator with a 1/3 profile, my sun is in Aquarius and I have a number 7 life path. And all of this means, I am messy, and graceful, erotically vibrant, depressed, an adventurous experimenter, mundane, sparkling, dull, sensitive, profound, deep, shallow and oh yes… A human just like you.

The one word that from my perspective, best explains the particular constellation of symptoms, behaviours, personality and expression of “me” is trauma. More specifically, unintegrated in utero, developmental, chronic, sexual and collective trauma. This doesn’t make me special in anyway. Those who write in far more detail on this subject, authors such as Peter Levine, Bessel van der Kolk and Stephanie Mines for example, share how it is near impossible to avoid being impacted by the effects of trauma during our lifetimes. It isn’t exposure to events that create trauma in our systems, but rather, the condition of our nervous system when the events take place AND how well we were/are supported in recalibrating and coming back to easeful presence after any event that has activated our fight/flight/freeze response.

Shock and Prolonged Freeze

An example from my life of being totally unsupported in reclaiming healthy regulation happened when I was five years old. I was led to the front of the class at school and my work was held up as an example of what a lazy and stupid girl I was. This is my first consciously remembered traumatic event. I froze. My heart was beating ten to the dozen, bottom lip wobbling as I forced the tears back, throat constricted, pain shot through my head, my ears buzzed and my vision blurred. The shame and humilation was unbearable. I could hardly walk when instructed to return to my chair and I became aware that I had zero support in that room. The other children either laughed and taunted, or stayed silent with their heads down so as to avoid the teacher’s wrath. I was later silenced by the teacher as she cautioned me to not tell anyone what had happened or else she would have to explain to my parents how naughty I had been that day. The freeze was locked in and I didn’t begin to speak about this event to my family until I was in my late Teens dealing with bouts of anxiety and depression.

Even now, to stand in front of a group triggers strong physiological reactions, my nervous system is sensitised to the dangers of long term isolation that would come about if the group should reject me. Isolation, to the instinctual animal-self, means certain death and therefore the fear feels very real. However, NOW I am able to utilise the modalities I have found useful to guide myself back to centre. And more than ever before, I am also learning how co-regulation (receiving the steadying support of others) is also vital to longer term healing.

We Heal Through Layers

It is only very recently that I came to realise that in regard to all of the group containers I have been in throughout my life: from learning and teaching at university, attending kundalini yoga teacher training and shamanic practitioner courses, deep diving sacred sexuality with the International School of Temple Arts, and landing the soul in Highden; I entered my freeze state and engaged subconscious coping strategies before even arriving to those spaces. In this state my body is either in numbness or pain, my extreme shyness is activated, I can still access eros (life force energy) but my sexual centres remain quiet, my personality and brightness is dulled or disappears, and I choose privacy/isolation over full group engagement. 

When the nervous system gets stuck in a hyper-activated state (such as in the example shared above), it creates a false foundation for all other encounters that follow. This effects EVERYTHING. Posture and body shape, character and personality, education/learning potential, health, body-pain, relationships, development of addictions and/or fear based coping strategies, sexual function/relating, availability of pleasure, the ability to feel, or conversely, cope with sensations, the ability to sense/discern the reality of any given situation, the capacity to cope with external stimuli.

Throughout the years I have been able to create transformation, embrace new understandings and positively impact my healing. I have worked through the layers of additional traumatic events that occurred in my teenage and adult years, BUT the nervous system hasn't yet found it's way out of the deep freeze triggered at 5yrs old and deeply imprinted during childhood.

The initial breakthrough for me came about via Integrative Breathwork training with its innate understanding of the need for a slowly slowly approach. Diving more thoroughly into trauma awareness and appreciating the use of such tools as pendulation and titration (as opposed to forcing and pushing through) has enabled a refinement of healing methodology. And this is essential for all of us.

​As I have discovered for myself, if the dysregulated state continues for years it can lead to adrenal fatigue, autoimmunity and auto-inflammatory disorders, along with a host of chronic, potentially terminal diseases.
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None of this is stated to create fear, but rather to instil the wonder and belief I mentioned at the beginning of this piece. It truly is a wonder that any one of us is likely to be dealing with our own special blend of unmet trauma (we don’t have to have conscious memory of events in order for this to be a truth); or are in relationships with others who are struggling in this regard. And yet, we have still been able to create a good enough life.

And we can afford to believe in the expansion of the good enough life towards a supremely fulfilling life as we, together, rediscover how to become unstuck and build the window of tolerance of the nervous system.

Bringing it to The Temple

You may be wondering why a blog such as this is being shared on a website dedicated to Empowerment through Eros and Sacred Sexuality. As already mentioned, unintegrated trauma and a nervous system stuck in fight/flight or freeze impacts everything. This includes how we experience our sexual expression, the degree of pleasurable sensations we are able to enjoy, how truthfully we are able to communicate our needs, desires and boundaries, how physically and emotionally close we are able (or not able) to be with others, how comfortable with and accepting of our body and the bodies of others we are, how available we are to the flow of eros, how intimate we feel we can afford to be, how present we can remain whilst experiencing intense sensation.

My personal passion is for reclaiming our right to engage fully with Eros and receive ALL of its blessings. Not only it's function in sexual intimacy and pleasure states, but so too the shamanic medicine it brings in supporting healing, empowerment, manifestation, transformation, integration of previously scattered aspects of ourself, liberation from unhelpful conditioned beliefs and behaviours. Such a reclamation can only be partial when our nervous system is locked in an activated state.

Moreover, the world of sacred sexual healing and erotic explorations is rife with unmet trauma.  Both space-holders and visitors to those spaces can be vulnerable to the impact of past wounds creating dysfunctional and abusive dynamics. Power over, seduction, manipulation, misuse of language, coercion, gas-lighting and spiritual-egos demanding fulfilment at a cost to others, all of these behaviours and more are commonplace and therefore need guarding against. ​

I attend these spaces so I can meet my own messiness and keep on fine tuning my abilities in boundary, communication and easeful intimacy. I hold these spaces so you can bring your messiness and majesty to be witnessed, expressed, released, celebrated. Trauma awareness enables me to support self and other to remain within boundary and lessen the risk of overwhelm or the re-triggering of wounds. 

Whether holding space or receiving the holding, personally or professionally, we all of us (as adults in adult spaces) have a duty of care to ourselves to track out trauma stories and strengthen our capacity to communicate clearly whilst we resist pushing ourselves or each other into overwhelm.

Erotic energy and sexual charge has the effect of amplifying anything that is present, therefore extra care and attention is required in order to keep the Sacred in sacred sexuality. It is the lack of such attention that creates a higher probability of misuse, abuse and harm.

The Gift

In discussing the far reaching impact of trauma, I am aware of the potential to pathologise everything about our lives and ways of being. This isn't my intention. There are gifts in everything, gold is found in the darkest caves, diamonds form under great pressure, and pearls are beads of protection created in response to an irritant or threat. The beauty of our being, strength of character, and capacity for compassion can blossom out of our struggles. 

My early years experiences helped develop my inner world of imagination, energy awareness, sensitivity to the plight of others outcast by the majority, and a desire for fair and just treatment of all. Perhaps you have had experiences that have led you to excel in strategy, form and order; or in nurturing and feeding others; or in being a patient diplomat and mediator. It's not so much that we want to purposely trigger trauma in order to activate gifts, but more that with correct attention, we can source the gold, diamonds and pearls from painful places on life's path.

For a long time I have intuitively understood that we are already whole and holy, and that nothing can tarnish this truth. Yet, the journey is also complex and offers to each of us a unique blend of suffering and joy, challenge and ease, compromise and freedom and on and on. The art of a tantric approach is in the allowance of and surrender to the full spectrum of this dualistic earthly realm, whilst simultaneously choosing to be accountable in gleaning the wisdom of a life lived with awareness. The quest is to remain unflinchingly available for the full spectrum of human experience, whilst keeping our inner radio tuned into the bandwidth of Oneness.  With this intention, we can keep on choosing to use all that is available to us within this human existence as the materials with which we create our most meaningful pieces of art.

Returning to The Return

​I feel myself returning to my five year old self, reclaiming her spirit, including the non-conformity and artistic expression that created the incident in the first place. I have never been the child who was well supported in the recalibration and the return to centre before. I have never seen this world through truly clear eyes, nor heard the full range of sound without the accompanying buzz in my ears. I have yet to experience the joy of a FULLY open heart and the uninhibited passion of wild animal senses. I have not yet been the child who remains fully embodied in my myself whilst relating with others. Nor the child who has an inherent trust in the fundamental right to exist, express and BE who she truly feels herself to be.

But I am returning to these places I have never before visited, slowly, steadily, compassionately; and I am so ready for the adventure. Are you?