The Longest Pause...

The Deepest Rest

Those of you who have followed my journey the last few years will be aware that I often claim a six-week, (or thereabouts), pause during the winter months. It has become a foundation from which the rest of the year is dreamt in, the seeds planted, and the energy stored up ready for the turning of the season towards spring.

In the very last process we did within The Field Facilitator training in December 2023,  I made a whole-hearted and powerful claim from my core for deep rest. A lesson has been remembered. When such claims are made within a shamanic container, witnessed by others, the universe responds swiftly! I knew this yet I had somehow forgotten that this "rule" applies to me too! And so, as I begin to re-emerge from the longest pause and deepest rest, I am realising just how honoured I have been to receive this gift from life.

What an out-and-out challenge. What an absolute privilege. And now, the inquiry begins into how to make the most of this reset? What new dreams are ready to emerge, to be made visible to the waiting world?

But before even stepping close to any such dreams, allow me a moment to unpack those two statements:

The Process

• Late last summer I made a quiet, mumbling kind of claim for rest.
• By September I had heard that my accommodation for living and working needed to be returned to the owners of the property in November.
• My body-pain and auto-immune flare-ups became increasingly louder and more frequent.
  
  
  
• Last winter I made a more powerful claim for rest.
• My initial reach-out for a new rental property fell as silently as snow
• My supportive father welcomed me home.
• I secured two cat-sitting posts which afforded me some stillness even whilst life rolled out it's ever fluctuating moments of fortune and adversity.
• In between those cat-sits, family and friends have been supportive of my "non-doing" state.
  
  
  
• In late winter/early spring I attempted a relaunch with Easter in mind 
• February's hunt for properties failed
• March's hunt for property failed
• I was receiving healing from my dear friend and peer, Cliona
• April's hunt for property failed
• I began to understand that life was taking care of me
• I chose to fully believe that life is always working in my favour
• The hunt continued with a sense of calm, fully accepting it would only happen when it was meant to
• I rested back into each moment, trusting the flow, yet remaining proactive, curious and open to possibilities 
• It is late June now, I am writing this after receiving keys for a lovely property
• I am composing the newsletter which will announce the re-opening of the Temple Doors​

What an out and out challenge:

• I was exhausted but kept digging deep and turning up whilst knowing I really needed more rest
• I was frustrated, ending The Field training with an near empty bank and fully emptied tank
• I deeply desired to be "a success story", one of the Field Facilitators who went on to expand into group leadership
• I wanted to land already running and secretly had plans to announce online courses over winter, in-person events ready for spring

• I felt filled with shame and a sense of failure that my reality couldn't support my vision
• I felt grief as my body caved with extreme pain
• I had to accept that complex trauma is still a part of my journey
• I felt like I was failing at walking-the-talk, not worthy of being a space-holder
• I wanted to at least use my time to write, but didn't even have the energy for that (I started to write this blog at the end of March but it refused to flow through)
• I had to let go of EVERYTHING

What an absolute privilege:

• I have harvested much gold and feel enriched
• I have learnt to resist the pull to provide answers to those who have asked "what are you going to do?" "where are you going to be?"
• I have learnt to resist the drive to find those answers when my own mind, in moments of panic, has been asking the questions of what, where, when, how?
• I have realised that I haven't failed, I am simply having a longer phase of gestation than some
• I have disentangled self-worth from doing
• I am reminding myself more and more to root my sense of purpose in the experiencing of life, rather than the "doing" of things.
• I have received energy based healing to support my health on all levels, yet have resisted the urge to "fix" myself or my life
• In recent weeks I have begun to include rehab movements and exercises and I am slowly regaining strength whilst avoiding (so far) triggering more flare-ups
• I am feeling more life and eros returning, naturally, without force, simply by staying present moment by moment.
• I am remembering that my way through this life follows a pattern of completely emptying, in order to enjoy the process of re-filling
• I LOVE that I am not a shiny polished example of humanness, my messiness is my blessing
• I feel humbled, not shameful
• I feel my heart expanding, my sacrum thrumming, my lips smiling.
• In letting go of everything, I stay clear enough to receive life's gifts
  
• I know how loved, supported and blessed I am.

And The Dream?

Well... That can wait a little longer.  I am delighted to be re-entering the Temple soon, inviting others to share in experiences that expand, enlighten and stir the energy of Eros.  Beyond this, I will remain attentive, curious, and open to the follow the cues offered by life.  After all, I haven't been led astray yet ;) 

If you would love to receive your own opportunity to harvest the gold of your beingness, your life, let me know. Temple Heart sessions resume near Tewkesbury from the 16th of August 2024