Courageous & Candid Conversation...
A Practice of Remembering
We stand on a small street in a residential area of town, a cul-de-sac of pleasant but fairly unremarkable houses, each with a small front garden. There are just the four of us, my ex-husband and his wife, me and our daughter. She is playing a little way from us, skipping with a rope and making up songs and rhymes. I'm enjoying the new experience of a friendly conversation between we three adults. Ordinarily there is tension, a general mutual dislike and lack of respect. But today I am being asked for advice on yoga and meditation. My daughter's step-mum has discovered that my "woo-woo" pursuits actually work well for her too, and is now speaking enthusiastically about her experiences so far and enquiring into how she can take it further.
I share some resources and information with her and once satisfied, she smiles and turns to approach my little girl and join her in her games. I similarly turn still smiling to face my ex, and am met by a stone cold glare and hateful accusations. He attacks telling me I am poisoning his wife against him, that the more she engages with "yoga and woo" the more she will lose her mind. She will turn crazy just like me. I immediately raise my voice to match his, in defence of myself and also in defence of his wife's right to chose her own path. I am remembering the disparaging comments and put-downs he had used against me when we were married and now rage is moving through me. Tempers flare and we are warming up nicely for a pretty spectacular "Eastenders Eat Your Heart Out" scene when our attention is suddenly captured by a harrowing sound above us.
Looking up we see something huge yet incomprehensible hurtling towards earth. Perhaps a space-station... but it seems to be the size of a small town. Military aircraft appear to be flying towards and around it as if attempting to alter its trajectory but they look like, and appear to be as effective as tiny gnats. My heart is in my mouth and I know with certainty that this thing will strike in a matter of seconds and life on earth will cease to exist. The earth itself may cease to exist.
My only desire now is to reach my daughter, to wrap my arms around her and fuel her with my love and courage as we pass through the portal of death. I am running arms outstretched calling her name, calling her towards me...
A terrifying blast of commotion, a white-hot searing heat. Did I reach her?
I'm now surrounded by black silence, not so much floating but rather, being pulled towards something un-nameable. There is no "me", no body, and yet I have never felt so exquisitely alive and whole. I am as subtle as breath yet as substantial as gold. I have full knowledge of the final minutes before death and pray my daughter is experiencing as much comfort, peace and serenity as I am now feeling. I hear my own laughter as I remember the heated argument I was so enraged by and caught up in. It seems so funny now, so meaningless. I reflect on what HAD mattered during my life. The only answer was love. Had I loved as thoroughly as I might? Had I demonstrated care and kindness in my words and actions? Had I allowed loving kindness to be my guide?
Even these reflections dissolve as I am drawn closer to home. I am experiencing wave upon wave of ecstatic surrender, orgasmic ripples. I AM orgasmic ripples joining the Great River of souls, surrounded by the sweetest harmonics. We are each a rillet of musical mantra making our final return to the Ocean of All.
In The Dark Times
The story from my dreamtime shared above is one of my "go-to" memories that I call up whenever the dark of these times encroaches on my inner peace. I find it so deeply reassuring. I can call up the same serenity and certainty I felt in the final phases and it immediately washes away any impulse to believe and become enmeshed with minor conflicts or images of despair fed to us via TV, newspapers and social media.
This doesn't mean I bury my head in the sand and pretend that there is no suffering in this life, not at all. It is more a case of keeping things in perspective so that my nervous system is soothed and returns to its window of tolerance. In this way I can be available to support any I meet who are immersed in the suffering. I believe this is key for all of us as we move forward through the chaos of our times. The more we can take care of the systems of our body that support our overall wellbeing, the more we can rise like warriors and steadily walk on the battle fields taking care of the wounded.
The yogic-tantric warrior doesn't do this from a place of aloof detachment, but from a place of entrenched compassion. I do not place an extra pressure upon myself to be saintly, but rather I allow myself my humanity. I crumble, I drop into melancholy, I too cry tears of despair knowing I can afford to do so. Feeling it all keeps my heart awake to the struggles; having strategies to self-soothe and having good friends and family to be held by, or share laughter with ensures I don't get stuck in the suffering.
Below is a beautiful practice that is perfect medicine when external influences have us believing in the hopelessness of life. The description is a little wordy, but once you have run through it with your body-mind you will see it is really very simple.
May you remember that you too have great strategies and memories to lean into, and that by reclaiming the power to soothe body-mind-emotion, you also reclaim the fullness of who you are. A warrior walking steadily onwards.
Golden Globe Meditation
Continue with the breath and the golden sphere visualisation until you feel ready to switch the energy (you’ll know when you’re ready).
As you move through Part One you might find that you enter some cathartic release of emotion, keep breathing and allow any tears to fall, any anger to be screamed out, move your body, dance or punch pillows, whatever you need to do to discharge the energy (just be sure not to cause yourself, anyone else, or even the fixtures and furnishings in your room any harm in the process).
BUT! Do not lose yourself to catharsis! Out of control emotion isn't helpful here so determine to keep coming back to the breath and visualisation after each release. In this way we are supporting the development of our governing physiological systems.
As you move through Part Two be aware of these two things:
1) Your energy is constantly returning to you so you will never become depleted. Each time you inhale, as well as the energy moving up to the heart from your naval, it is also continuing to be called home TO the naval as in the first part of the practice. There is a constant flow of power returning to you, therefore no lack being created.
2) You may get images, ideas, solutions and desires dropping in so pay attention, maybe jot them down as they arise or be prepared to journal or create art immediately afterwards.
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