THE LIGHT...

...OF THE DARK

I am a painfully shy person.  A nightmare situation for me would be to find myself centre-stage with the spot light on me, and an audience of expectant faces looking in my direction waiting to hear what I have to say. Arrrrrgghhhh!! Stage fright, brain freeze, and forget performance anxiety, we are talking performance terror here.  In the past I fought this part of me, tried to find ways to heal it. I read Susan Jeffers ‘Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway’, I had hypnotherapy to increase my confidence, went to healers and counsellors to eradicate it, had pep-talks from motivational speakers, everything to remove the irritating hindrance that seemed to stop me from being the biggest brightest version of me.

In 2012 I had a breakthrough. A simple statement made by one lady removed the whole dilemma in seconds. And all she said was “It is your nature to be shy, it is who you are.”

In that moment I realised my shyness is not a wound that needs healing, or a conditioned response to my environment that needs re-educating, and nor is it a liability, block or obstacle.  Since then I have greatly enjoyed becoming friends with this part of me and receiving the gifts that she brings.

In reflecting on this one aspect, the shy-self, I have also recognised many other aspects that generally have something of a bad reputation and that I have therefore attempted to transmute through spiritual practices or murder in some even less refined way.  Some of them are a part of my nature, some are the results of wounding and conditioning, yet in truth, all of them serve my growth either directly or indirectly. Cynical-self, impatient-self, dom-self, melancholy-self the list goes on. Each help me either by containing my energy until it has grown sufficiently in wisdom to be released, or by increasing my wisdom and strength by giving me something to push against, to provoke me and motivate me to deepen my understanding of my own nature. 

Dark melancholy was with me recently. She serves me so well even though it is one of the most challenging energies to be with. It takes me to the deepest pit of despair and in those moments, the glorious rays of brilliance that illuminate the beauty and wonder of life disappear. In the resulting void I feel every nuance of human suffering and I would gladly remove myself from life had I not the remembrance of previous dives. I claim she serves me well, and she does. She steals me away from the busy-making parts of me and the usual demands of life. I am literally in no fit state to tend to anything so I am still and silent, resting. She allows me to taste the despair that others feel on a daily basis and reminds me of my soul’s desire, to alleviate suffering wherever I am able to. And out of the darkness emerges the glimmering images and words that reveal where to next place my focus. It is a deeply creative process.
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Just like the shy-girl, dark melancholy is a pretty uncomfortable part of me that once upon a time I would do my utmost to get rid of. Even now she has to catch me unawares otherwise I will find ways to avoid her. Once in her grasp I know the best way out is through. Once I am fully surrendered and immersed in the intensity, something is revealed. Emotions are released, emotions which I then support with music or movies that amplify and ensures full expression. At this point I know I can begin to move out of stillness, dance, shake, stretch. Gradually I begin to re-engage in life, and typically, life is very kind and will organise for the perfect pals to call me, invite me for coffee, or just simply chat on the phone so I can share and laugh heartily about where I have just been.

​I lean into meditation and mantra to further fortify my energy, arouse my Eros and turn me on fully to life. I am reminded, yet again, why I have made Eros such a central part of my life, because without it, without it’s ability to thrill my senses, open my heart and awaken my body, there IS no life.

I am well enough resourced to dare to dive so deeply, knowing when and how to re-surface and I would heartily recommend at least a little dalliance in the direction of the dark for those equally well resourced. Let's face it, for most of us, life offers ample opportunity for a sprinkling of self-pity and melodrama, so if we are being invited there, why resist? If you don't feel quite so well resourced then be sure to seek out the support of those who can hold space for you and teach you how to come up for air.  This is especially important if you are already struggling with mental/emotional health issues - your focus needs to be on the life-sustaining joy-embracing and tender-caring upward swell of the ocean.

Riding the waves in this way can lead to tremendous rebirths. Just as the gestation time in the dark of the womb is absolutely necessary yet a relatively tiny part of a thriving person's whole life, so too can these visits to the depths be short yet impactful.  I offer you a simple meditation below to support the movement out of the dark and back into the erotic, sensual, and vital energy flow of life. May you surrender your light to the dark, briefly, and in doing so be reminded of just how bright you shine when you are well rested, cleared of stagnation, and reacquainted with your life force.

Re-Set and ReBirth Meditation

I'm calling this a reset and rebirth experience as the breath is designed to take you into the no-thing-ness, the void into which all can be released, transmuted, and ultimately reclaimed as light. The mudra is taken from Richard Rudd's Siddhi Palm Mudras and amplifies the Siddhi of Rebirth (the 49th GK)

You can either enter this meditation without any particular focus and simply receive whatever is revealed to you both during and after the practice. Or if you are aware of any places of stuckness, or an energy or old belief that is creating limitation, you can reflect on those things you would like to send to the fires of transmutation, and those things you would like to see birthed or rebirthed in your life.  If you want the practice to carry this kind of direct intention then I would suggest taking a few minutes to reflect and maybe even journal before entering the meditation.

This is best practiced sitting crossed legged on the floor. You may get quite spacey so sitting in a chair isn't recommended. If crossing your legs is too uncomfortable you could kneel, or sit on cushions with a back rest and your legs out in front of you. I recommend wearing a blindfold and using earplugs to lessen  external distraction and support the inward focus. Put the ear plugs in and place the blindfold in position so that a gentle pull downwards will bring it over your eyes when you are ready to begin.

Bring the palms of you hands together as in "prayer pose". Keep the middle fingers extended and touching at the tip whilst all other fingers and the thumbs interlace one another. Finally bring the tips of the index finger and thumb of the same hand together.

Once you have your hands in position, you should be able to use the thumbs and index fingers to position your blindfold, and then with the tips once again touching, bring the whole palm mudra in front of your chest, roughly four to six inches away from the body.

Take three of four long deep breaths, completely filling and then emptying the torso. Breathe nice and slowly, feeling the expansion/widening of your tummy, lower back, sides of the body, chest and shoulder blades on the in breath; and the softening/dropping of these areas on the out breath. You may wish to chant "Aum "or "Ong namo guru dev namo"  on three of your exhales. You're now set to begin.

Enjoy a lovely long and deep inhale, followed by a complete exhale then hold the breath out for as long as you are able. Whilst holding the breath out, gently pulse the anus and the pelvic floor muscles. You will also feel the naval being drawn in and out. No need to go blue, only hold for a comfortable amount of time then receive your next beautiful long breath in. Keep on repeating this cycle.

You can keep it as simple as this and just trust the breath and the mudra to create the magic. Or if you want to amplify the experience a little you can visualise an orange-red flame in your pelvic bowl (the area of you sacral chakra), and a soft white flame in the centre of your chest (heart chakra).  See feel or imagine the pulsing of the anus and sex area drawing in more Eros from the Earth and generating more sexual energy to feed the flame.

On your inhale see/feel or imagine bright white energy being drawn from the cosmos also feeding the sacral flame. On the exhale watch the energy rise up from the sacral flame through the spine and to the heart strengthening the soft white flame there.

Begin with a three minute practice, and as you get used to the breath and the energy being generated, you might want to extend to 7 minutes, 11 minutes, or a maximum of 31 minutes. But please build slowly over days and keep on tracking how it makes you feel. 

I personally find 11 minutes is my sweet spot and only two or three times a week for a month, then just every now and then when I feel the need or desire. As always, listen to your body and make this your own medicine. Let me know what your notice and whether or not this works well for you.  If touches you the way it touches me you'll soon be feeling the light of your darkness, and the thrum of you Eros enlivening your life. Enjoy!